MOM IS SO FUNNY

Blog number 138                                               Dec. 30, 2007

Teresa does a lot of funny things.  Usually when one happens, I want to tell Derek about it right away, but I have to wait until either he or we meet, and by that time I have forgotten it or the impact has worn off.

A few days ago we were coming back from Phoenix with the idea of going to Target here in Casa Grande.  With that in mind, instead of turning to the right to go home off the freeway, we kept going straight to Target.  Teresa said that it is shorter to get off where we usually do and then go to Target from there.  "Wha...!" I exploded.

I told her it was a straight line from where we were to Target, so how could it be shorter to make a dog leg and back?  A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.  I told her that.  She argued, saying that she had measured the miles one time, and it was shorter her way.

I couldn't wrap my head around what she was sayng, so I kept digging at her, trying to understand what she was thinking.  It finally came out that instead of thinking "from here to there," she was thinking of the mileage she had checked off on a previous trip with Tara.  Since she was convinced that she had measured the milage right, it didn't matter what the spatial evidence said.  That satisfied me. 

I didn't care that she was wrong, but I was really bothered by how she had come to her conclusion.  Once I understood that, I was OK. 

Whew!

Then this morning we went to Mimi's here in Casa Grande and when we left the restaurant to get into our car, she said about the driver who had parked his car in the handicap space next to ours, "I know that guy's not handicapped.  He was listening to rap when we drove in."  Hah! 

She's so funny!

WAR STORIES

Blog number 137                                               Dec. 26, 2007

I was watching a History program called, "Shootout."  Ten days after the invasion of Guadalcanal (the first invasion by the Americans in the Pacific War), a few hundred marine raiders set ashore at Makin - a small Atoll a few miles from Guadalcanal in an attempt to make the Japanese think there were many invasions and that Guadalcanal was not the main one.

The "shootout" part of this episode was a small band of Marines that were to flank several machine gun nests on Makin.  Walking across an open ground surrounded by jungle, they were cut down by hidden machine guns - all except for one man.  The story was about what this one man did, which was pretty amazing, but that's not what concerns me. 

What does concern me was that here were marines - supposedly highly trained in infantry maneuvers, led by someone who was supposed to have even more intense training, walking across a clearing in a jungle held by enemy soldiers.  And not only were supposedly highly trained marines doing this, but they were RAIDERS - who were supposed to be even more intensely trained in such maneuvers. 

No surprise to me that they were cut down, and I've never had any such training.  Why didn't any of that group say something?  Or maybe they did and were told to shut up. 

That happens.

And this reminded me of a story a friend of mine told that had been in Vietnam.  He was  describing walking along a stream in a jungle looking for North Vietnamese.  When I heard this, I asked him if that wouldn't lead to an ambush from the higher ground on each side of the stream.  He said, "Yes, that was the idea.  We would be ambushed and then we would call in the heavy guns and wipe them out."

I said, "You were bait."

He says, "Yep."

DRIVING NEEDN'T BE A CHORE

Blog number 137                                               Dec. 20, 2007

In Arizona, the manual one studies in order to gather upon one's self a driving license says that at a light, one stops in the middle of the street awaiting a left turn until the coast is clear.  The car behind is not to wait behind that car, but is instead, to wait at the crosswalk until the first car has completed its turn.  That's what it says.  Not too many drivers follow these rules which tells me that they either didn't read the manual, missed that part, or thought it didn't apply to them.

Yesterday mine wife and I were driving south on Pinal, planning to turn left onto Cottonwood at the light.  I stopped in the middle of the road as directed.  The cars coming toward me were spaced out in such a manner that I deemed it more prudent to wait for a clearer road.  At that time I noticed a white truck right behind me, contrary to the directions in the driver's manual.

I finally could turn with complete safety and I noticed the white truck to my right and rear.  We went along for a block or two until suddenly the white truck pulled up alongside me, and then in front of me and then slowed way down.  "What the F...?" I thought.  He then almost immediately steered onto the right lane from whence he had just came and slowed down further.  Again, I thought, "What the F...?"  I slowed down so's I could see if the guy was drunk, texting or maybe just stoned.  As we got alongside, the guy gave us the finger, glaring at us like we were the ones that had just ruined his life.

Several thoughts went through my mind.  First, what made him so angry?  I think it was because I didn't make a left turn in front of cars fast enough for him.  And then I wondered why he didn't give me a blast on his horn back then, or even now, like most Casa Grandians would do.  Maybe his horn didn't work, which would naturally piss him off even more.  And lastly, that guy had to have been pretty angry to do all that he did.  I think he was just one of those guys that's mad at the world, so he was mad at me even before he got out of bed that morning.

May God bless his little heart.

LET'S PLAY EMPIRE

Blog number 136                                               Dec. 20, 2007

This blog entry is an experiment.  My main critic doesn't like me to use quotes from books.  So what I am going to do is to paraphrase and see if that's better, 'cause these things are either pretty amazing or very funny.  At least to me.

I want my critic to tell me whether the experiment worked so I can use it again, or it didn't work and to give it up altogether and stick to first person writings.

At the beginning of the Korean War, the US was vastly inferior to the North Koreans in armament, command, and manpower.  That's the setup for what follows.

An American recon platoon spotted eight tanks coming toward them and then another twenty-five.  The intelligence said that the North Koreans wouldn't have tanks because of the terrain.

The Americans started firing mortars.  The tanks kept coming.  When the tanks were seven hundred yards away, they fired bazookas.  The tanks kept coming.  So Sgt. Chambers called back for 60 mm mortar fire.  The answer came back that the mortars wouldn't reach that far.  "Well, how about some 81 mm?"  "They didn't come over with us."  Then the Sgt. asked for 4.2 mortars.  "They won't fire," came back the answer.  "How about the artillery?" No communication with artillery.  "What about the Air Force?"  "They don't know where you're at."  "Well," Chambers finally said, "What about a camera so's we could at least take a picture of this?"

FIX YA RIGHT UP, bUDDY.

Blog number 135                                               Nov. 30, 2007

Do you have RLS?  Restless Leg Syndrome?  If so, then take prescription Mirapec and that'll fix you right up.  Practice caution though for, as the commercial tells us...

"Prescription Mirapec may cause you to feel drowsy or fall asleep during normal activity such as driving or to feel faint or dizzy when you stand up.  Call your doctor if you experience these problems."

So taking this drug may cause you to smash head-on into a speeding Mack truck.  That would sure fix that pesky RLS forever, wouldn't it?  And isn't it fortunate that you won't even have to call your doctor.  The ambulance will take you right to him.  All you have to do is lie there bleeding.  With peaceful legs.

Then the commercial goes on to warn, "If you drink alcohol or taking medicine that makes you feel drowsy or if you are experiencing increased gambling or sexual or other intense urges. "

Two things. First, that is not a complete sentence.  I think what they mean is that if you experience these things, you should see the doctor that you should see if you tend to fall asleep at the wheel while taking Mirapec.

And second, and I think this is the more important, what kind of a drug is this if it makes you have intense sexual and gambling urges?  Coke?  Crack?  Meth?  Caffeine?

Then lastly it warns us that "Other side effects include nausea."

Compared with the other side effects, this one is kind of mild.

A HARD RAIN'S GONNA FALL

Blog number 134                                               Nov. 30, 2007

It's raining here in the desert.  Do you know what they call rain here in the desert?  They call it a "weather alert." 

A few months ago they were talking about our drought conditions.  WE LIVE IN THE DESERT!  Drought conditions are the normal phenomena in a desert!  That's why they call it a desert.  Idiots.

ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT

Blog number 133                                               Nov. 26, 2007

There is a television program that is one of my favorites called, "Soup."  What it does is take vignettes from various TV programs and TV news items, and exhibit them.  The host - who is pretty funny, makes comments about what we are about to see and what we have just seen.  It's mostly about TV people.  The only movie people they ever show are the mug shots of them when arrested, or stupid or idiotic things they've said or done while being interviewed.  Elizabeth Taylor I think is senile.  From what I've seen of her.  Reality shows seem to be the mother lode for idiots at their very best.  For instance...

Last night it showed a couple (I don't know who they are) excitedly telling their newly sixteen year old daughter to "Come see what we got you for your birthday!"  When the sixteen year old saw her birthday present - a brand new Lexus, she went ballistic.  "That's not the car I wanted!  What's the matter with you two (obviously her parents)?  And I was supposed to get it at my party.  I'm not going to the party.  You have ruined it.  It's all your fault!"  As she ran up the stairs, she screamed, "My life is ruined!" 

Hah!

In the paper this morn was an item about Stephen King going into a grocery store.  This old woman - King thinks she was about 95, says to him, "I know who you are.You write those stories - those horrible awful horror stories...I don't like that.  I like uplifting stories like that Shawshank Redemption." 

Mister King told her, "I wrote that." 

She said, "No you didn't."