LIVE A LITTLE. EAT A PRUNE, TAKE A BATH, READ A BOOK

Blog number forty the two                                                         Sep. 24, 2006

I once had an epiphany that fear could not harm me and that there was a "rush" associated with it -- like in a roller coaster ride.  Know what I mean? 

I went on a lecture tour for a while concerning abused children because of a fear of a talking in front of people but that got boring after a while.  Then I noticed an ad in a local "Learning Exchange," offering a class in standup comedy.  Ah!

I wrote what I thought was a good bit for my "final," which was to do an actual standup at a local bar.  I practiced it, memorized it, and was ready to go.  Come time for rehearsal and besides what I had written and practiced, I thought I would do this real easy bit that I had just thought of as I walked up to get ready for my main bit.  I didn't need to memorize it because I was just going to tell what I was doing, like the announcer does at the Olympics? 

"He's walking to the microphone, ladies and gentlemen.  Now he's talking the microphone off the stand, holding it in his hand, bringing it to his mouth..." and so forth.  Easy, right?  Ah, no.  I completely flubbed it -- scared into petrification.  I was physically incapable of doing it. 

I told the instructor I couldn't and wouldn't go on.  He took me outside where I told him what was wrong.  I kept saying I couldn't do it.  I was too scared and couldn't remember anything.  He suggested I write down my bit and keep it in my pocket and if I needed it, I could just take it out and refresh my memory.  That sounded good.  It would relieve the pressure.

Come time when my name was announced and I went to the mike, I threw away the "Olympics" bit and went straight to my set.  First thing out of my mouth, I get a heckler, Fortunately what the heckler said fitted right in with what I was doing, so I skated over that. Getting into my act, still not at my expected first laugh, I got a big one.  "I thought. If they laughed a that, wait 'til I get to my goodies."

Later, when the nervousness came on I took my cheat sheet out of my pocket and started trying to find my place.  Took me some time and I began to notice giggles coming from the audience. "What's this?" I thought.  Never expected that.

My last part of my set wasn't as strong, but I could see where being a standup wasn't all that hard, providing one wasn't petrified with fear.  I was glad I had done it -- like diving from a cliff in Acapulco, but I firmly promised myself that I would never do that again.

That night I woke up in the middle of the night and vomited.
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MY wife and I are planning to surprise my youngest son (Derek) and his wife (Kiki), so I told Teresa not to say anything about it to them.

I get a call from a guy and my son happened to be over and he asked me what that was all about.  I told him it had to do with a guy that was going to do something for us and my wife started going on about "I thought we weren't going to say anything.  It was your idea, why did you tell him" -- like that.

I finally told her that she should stop talking about it because SHE was the one blowing it.  You can see that, right?

One day a friend of ours (let's call her "Mary Ann") told us that her boyfriend (Let's call him, "Ed,") had the hots for Aunt Bea of "The Andy Griffith Show."  She told us not to tell anybody because Ed would be embarrassed about it and Teresa and I both promised that we wouldn't.

So few days later a friend (let's call him, "Carl,") was over visiting.  Carl, Mary Ann, Teresa and I were all sitting on the front porch talking and I don't remember what topic had come up, but I said, "We know a guy that has the hots for Aunt Bea."

Immediately Teresa and Mary Ann jumped all over me, "Dammit Don!  You promised not to tell. What's the matter with you?" etc.  This went on and on from both Mary Ann and Teresa and Carl isn't dumb.  I'm pretty sure he figured out who the guy was from the way the girls were carrying on, while if it had just dropped with what I said, he would never have known who I was talking about.  I wasn't about to tell him.  I didn't even defend myself with the two because I knew that might just add to the evidence.
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This idiot (Let's call him "Larry,") who felt himself to be a scientific genius hung out at Weatherstone's.  One day I heard him saying, "Darling, darling, seemingly directed towards a girl sitting nearby.  Came to find out later that he had named his dog, "Einstein Darling."  Is the guy an idiot or not?  You tell me.
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My daughter (let's call her "Trinja") used to watch soap operas and seemed to enjoy them, so I started watching to see what the attraction was.  The first thing I discovered was that all the people in the soap -- the guy in jail; the cheating wife, the thief, the runaway, they were all related or tied together in some way.  One big happy soap family.

The funniest thing I ran across was on "All MY Children" when a guy told a woman that another character was pregnant and I realized that everyone in town knew she was pregnant except for one person -- the pregnant woman herself.