YOU MUST STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET

We had a small white dog on the farm that used to pee by lifting its left hind leg. One day his right hind leg got cut off by the binder cutters and we didn't see the dog for several days after that. When it finally did reappear, the first thing I noticed was that the dog still peed by lifting its left hind leg, but since the right hind leg was missing, the result was that the dog would pee by standing on its two front legs.
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I lived in Des Moines for several years from the age of four to thirteen, with summers spent on a farm in Northern Iowa - four miles outside of Graettinger Iowa - "The Choice of a Thousand." I walked a lot in Des Moines and often passed a broom factory. Nearby was also a book binding factory, but I got no story there. I just mention it because it's kinda unusual, don't you think? I got to thinking about that broom factory today. Brooms last a very long time. I don't think twenty years is old for a broom. The only time we bought a new broom in our fifty years of marriage was the last time we moved -- two years ago and that was only because of the superstition of moving a broom.

So...a broom factory couldn't have very many sales. Newlyweds mostly. So how do they stay in business? Was that factory in Des Moines the only one in the whole Midwest?
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In the seventies there was an explosion in self-improvement activities. The one I enjoyed the most and the one that was the most valuable to me was est -- "Erhart's Seminar Training."

Right off the bat I knew I was in the right place when the trainer said we were all assholes. I recognized that. One guy objected to being called an asshole and said that the trainer must be one too. The trainer replied that he was the only one in the room of three hundred people that didn't pay three hundred dollars to be there, which made all of us assholes except him. Hah!

That guy was magic. Est was magic. When we signed up, they asked on our submission papers what we wanted out of the est training. We were told that whatever we wanted was what we were going to get. If we wanted a Cadillac, we would get a Cadillac. I put down "enlightenment" and that's what I got. My wife wanted to keep me from other women and that's what she got.

Before the training started there was a long list of things we had to agree to. Not have any watches on our person, no writing instruments, no paper. No breaks except the ones we were given. A whole bunch of other stuff that I now forget. One thing that was stressed was that if we kept those agreements and kept our soles (trainer pointed to bottom of his shoe) in the room, we all would "get it." We just had to be there and keep our agreements and we were promised that we would get whatever it was that we were to "get." I thought that a fair deal. I was excited.

Several times, before the training began, we were told NOT to have watches on our person. No broken watches, no play watches, no watches. It was on the list of things to agree to on the papers we took home and went over.

We were then told to "Watch. There will be several people who still have watches. With excuses such as "it is broken." "I was never going to look at is." "It belongs to someone else, I was holding it for them." After all this, the trainer said for the people who have watches on their person to hold up their hands. Four people did so, and they gave the excuses he had said they would. People! What you gonna do with them?

Est stressed keeping our agreements, saying, "Keep your agreements. If you don't keep your agreements, watch what happens."

One guy, at sharing time, said that he had just peed his pants. He seemed so proud of himself.

At dinner that night I told my wife that the man had been silly. Est didn't FORCE us to keep our agreements. They just said to keep them, but if you don't, watch what happens. That guy could have gone to the bathroom. The only thing that stopped him was his own misunderstanding of what est was telling him.

I saw this look come into my wife's eyes that I recognized -- a stare as she ran this around in her mind, a slight raising of the eyebrows and a slight uplifting of the corners of her mouth. I knew right then that she was going to use this new information to get some attention by going to the bathroom without permission, and sure enough, that's exactly what she did. She caused quite a stir and was very happy. People thought she was so brave. Hah!

To this day she denies that the reason she broke her agreement was to have fun. She declares emphatically that she simply had to pee.